“Helicopter parents” are a stereotype of overbearing mums and dads, and are often associated with asian families. I spoke to Matthew and Hera Wong, a Hong Kong father and daughter who believe they go against the stereotype.
Before the interview began, I watched Matthew scoop steamed fish onto Hera’s plate while she waved hello to me through the screen; it was dinner time in Hong Kong.
So Matthew, what is your definition of a helicopter parent?
Parents are very protective of their kids, they want the best for them, and they want to help them avoid all the bad things they experienced themselves. To prepare their kids for society, parents will start coaching, but some will become pushy along the way to try and streamline their children.
What do you mean by “streamline”?
There’s this Chinese saying that goes, “You win before you start”. It means if you are fully prepared for all the challenges you may face, you have a better chance in the future. For example, in Hong Kong, kids are learning 6 languages at a time, parents put them in extra curricular activities for the whole day, they need to learn how to talk, sing, and write. All of this just for an interview to get into a kindergarten. But of course, in the parents’ head, they think they’ve put their child on a trajectory of success.
How do you think helicopter parents justify their way of thinking?
In Hong Kong, helicopter parents would see other mothers and fathers as useless, or think that they know nothing. When they look at other parents, they’ll think to themselves, “Forget it, their children are simply not our competition”. They’ll think of others as failures.
Would you, or have you, ever considered yourself a helicopter parent?
Of course I’ve always wanted my daughter to be well prepared, but I think I’m not knowledgeable enough to help her to the same extent as helicopter parents, or I’m just lazy. (laughs) I don’t want to be stressed at work, and at home. I look at it in a more holistic way, we have to believe in God. I believe in him as the ultimate guidance, as long as we do good in him, he will show my kid the most suitable path, and I’ll walk along the way. I’m counting on holiness and the almighty hands, I think he’s way more powerful than me. So in my mind, I want my kid to be well prepared, but practically, I’m of no help. (laughs)
Are helicopter parents now and back in the day any different?
In the 80s or 90s, parents could be overprotective but they didn’t have nearly as much time or resources as parents do now, so all they knew was to nag. “Put on enough clothes, work hard, sleep early, don’t touch that it's too hot.” But as the generations progressed, globalisation brought iPads and iPhones into families’ homes. Now, they can see other kids doing this-and-that at three years old, so if their own kid can’t do as much at the age of four, they’re behind. Helicopter parents nowadays are always comparing because they have sufficient resources to do so. They can cater their childrens’ journeys to achieve specific results. It’s like they want to be God, they want to be able to predict what’s next for their children.
I see religion helped you take a step back from being overly controlling. Were your parents the same way?
I did not have helicopter parents. but if they had all the resources parents have nowadays, I don’t know. In Asia, parents always have a plan, they want their kids to become big, like a dragon. Back in the day, people believed dragons were one of the few things that could satisfy the Chinese emperors. (He waved his arms to show me how dragons could be bigger than the span of his living room.) But all my parents could do at that time was say, “Dream big, work hard.” As a matter of fact, I find that philosophy more effective than being a helicopter parent. Human character shapes the world, not knowledge. Children with strong self discipline will always find a way for themselves.
It sounds like you already had a good idea of how to parent before you had your daughter. Did you feel prepared when she was born?
I actually had no idea what I was doing. As a single person, you know nothing about parenting, but after getting married you suddenly become a parent-to-be. Back then, I only had one friend that became a parent 5 months before my wife got pregnant. Ultimately, my wife and I just explored parenting by ourselves. The reason we only had a kid five years after our marriage was because we were paranoid. We wanted to give the best to our second generation but we knew we weren’t ready, so we mostly focused on our careers. We knew being a parent was not that simple, it’s not just about dressing them up and providing baby food.
Do you have any examples of struggling with parenting?
When my daughter was three or four, I was at work a lot, I didn’t have the patience to stay home. My wife invested a lot for our baby. Not just money, but time and love. That was the most important part, we didn’t know much but we focused on this. We wanted to instil a good character in our kid. When my child was young, I talked to her like an adult and was more strict. For example, I would stop her from crying because I was afraid if I continued to condone that behaviour, she would use crying as a weapon in the future to get my attention. I didn’t want that. As she got older, I learned to treat her as more of a friend, and that created a big paradigm shift in our relationship.
What kind of paradigm shift do you mean?
I finally learned to trust her. I realised she was able to consistently do things on her own and in a disciplined way. Although of course, every kid has somewhat of a rebellious phase, but you have to remind yourself that they are still teenagers after all. Over time, we developed mutual respect. Thank god my kid didn’t talk back much, but behind closed doors, I don’t know. (laughs)
I’m sure every child talks back to a certain extent. (laughs) You said you learned to trust her, why do you think trust is important?
I would always remind myself that my daughter would eventually become an adult, so how could I let her become a distrustful one? Babies blindly follow you, developing trust while my daughter was still young became a very serious task for me. To achieve that, I prioritised communication. Reliable and sustainable communication leads to trust. Not to mention in a family the most important thing is love, and love comes with trust too.
How about you, Hera? Why is communication between a parent and a child important to you?
I think it’s the responsibility of the parent to show their children how to communicate healthily. Understandably, it’s hard for immigrant parents, or parents whose children are growing up in a very different society from themselves, to practise opening up. It’s hard to share your burdens with someone who cannot relate. But I’m really grateful that my parents have always been willing to share their thoughts with me, whether they be about serious topics, or just to make me laugh. Even when it was difficult for me to understand where they were coming from, we created conversations where I could be unafraid to ask them questions.
It seems like your parents have set a great example for you. Lastly, how would you describe your current relationship with them?
Many of my friends, especially those who are ethnic minorities, are always shocked at how close I am with my parents, and how we genuinely enjoy spending time together. In Hong Kong, it’s common to not speak to your parents about anything other than academics or basic needs, like allowance money. I like to share my emotional thoughts with them, ask them for advice, and also share my hobbies with them. It comes naturally too! I don’t feel like I’m being forced to hang out with them. I simply know we’ll have a good time together because we always do, they showed me that consistency. I had a friend who said our relationship is like those from the movies (laughs), and that’s when I realised how lucky I am.